Helps for Daily Life 19

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BIBLE STUDY 2: HELPS FOR DAILY LIFE

 

A SERIES:    THERE IS HOPE

LESSON 19: Genesis 30:1-2   HOW TO AVOID A GOOD MARRIAGE FIGHT

 

 

Genesis 30:1-2 (KJV) “And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?”

 

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. We are going to take a quick peek in on an Old Testament couple, Jacob and Rachel and learn some great lessons. Theirs was indeed a whirlwind romance. It had all of the elements of a successful marriage. He was athletic and gregarious. She was sweet and good-looking. Their romance stood the test of time. Jacob is the one who was willing to serve 7 years. He worked 7 years for Rachel. They both had the advantage of a godly, Christian heritage.

 

I want us to fast forward through the Scripture a little bit. We are eavesdropping on a family spat. Perhaps it took place in the bedroom. Rachel is filled with frustration. She vents her frustration on her husband Jacob. Her words drip with criticism and contempt. She says, "Either you give me children or I don't want to live." Jacob responds with anger. He blows his top and is totally frustrated. He glares at her and responds defensively, "Who do you think I am in the first place? Do you think I'm God?" He probably walks out the room and goes to the camel races. Holy wedlock has become unholy deadlock. Holy matrimony has become holy smoke. Two people who obviously love one another are at one another's throats.

 

Have you and your spouse had a good fight lately? A Gallup Poll was taken a few years ago and they interviewed a number of couples. Four out of five of those couples admitted that they had their occasional marital spats. The pollsters admitted that they were somewhat suspicious of the other 1/5th. Have you had a good fight lately?

 

People don't marry with the idea of having a fight. They don't marry with the idea of attacking one another and abusing one another and getting involved in a major struggle with one another. However, if your marriage is normal, somewhere along the way, you may have your disagreements. I know that marriages may be made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning. Your marital fights may have gone all the way from mild disagreements to a full-blown controversy with doors slamming and with dishes being thrown. Have you had a good fight lately? Couples fight about a lot of things, don't they?

 

Couples fight is because of money. It's not easy today to make ends meet. Some couples have a fight because there is too much month at the end of the money.

 

I heard about one husband who said to his wife, "You, and your suicide attempts. Just look at this gas bill." I would encourage you to get on a budget. I would encourage you not to spend more money than you take in. I think it would be good if you would carefully regulate your credit cards and if you could agree on some method of resisting impulse buying. It's a pretty good idea for couples, if they want something, to wait about two weeks (or individuals in that couple) then see if they still want it. However, we do argue about money.

 

Couples argue about in-laws. I heard about one husband who said to his wife, "Why can't you make biscuits like my mom used to?" She said, "Why can't you bring home the dough like my dad used to?" We need to remember the leave and the cleave principle in the Bible.

 

Couples argue about sex. Sometimes it takes a while to have a good marital adjustment in the matter of sex. I would encourage you to avoid pornography. Get totally away from anything pornographic because unreal expectations are derived when people look at unreal pictures and look at things which God never intended for a person to see. Always be patient and passionate with one another and allow sex be about love not about some activity. Keep romance in your life all of your life and sex will be more than just an act but an emotion that will never fade no matter the age or physical condition.

 

Couples argue about children. Differing on whether to have them, how many children to have, how to train them, how to discipline them, dating issues, sports, schools, how to prepare for their education, and all of that.

 

Couples also argue about what I call "just the little things." You would be amazed at how big a fuss you can have over some little things. How you squeeze the toothpaste. Whether you squeeze it in the middle or whether you squeeze it at the end of the tube. Where to park the car or how to park it. Washing the dishes, making the bed, taking out the trash, picking up items around the house. Getting ready for company. Washing, folding, and putting up cloths. Some particular way clothes items are placed in the closet or drawers. On and on it goes about so many silly little things that seem so important that won’t mean a thing in fifty years from now. Susan and I have had some rather interesting discussions about my socks. I don't know what it is with this wonderful lady and my socks. She just cannot tell the difference in navy blue and black. Sometimes I suspicion that she may be color blind because some of my socks end up being put together no matter what color they are. She tells me it is because of the poor lighting in the bedroom. Many times after I have dressed in a hurry and have not paid any attention and have gone off to church or a meeting or to a doctor’s appointment I have looked down and seen that I have on two different color’s of socks. This has happened for so long I don’t worry about it anymore. If you see me wearing a black and a navy blue sock just don’t pay it any attention. At least I have on the same kind of socks even if they are different colors – at least they are close in color! It doesn’t bother me any more so don’t let it bother you!

 

What it takes to upset you is a pretty good indicator of how mature you are. Nevertheless, we all do argue about little things. Later on in life, we look back and usually we are embarrassed at our immaturity concerning these little things we thought were earth shattering issues.

 

I want us to think about and study about HOW TO AVOID A GOOD FIGHT. By my definition a good fight is one in which you fight one another and do not fight the problem. The key is not whether you fight, but it is how you fight. I'm aware of the fact that what I'm going to say just touches the hem of the garment. The whole matter of communication in marriage and how to talk to one another is a complicated area. I just want to hit some high spots and address a few topics concerning couples and about how to avoid a good fight that is unnecessary that could be devastating to our marriages. I want us to consider some things which I think need to be understood if we are going to learn how to resolve our differences correctly. The end result will be answered Biblically as it was with Rachel.

 

1. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND SINFUL TENDENCIES.

 

The Bible says in Isaiah 53:6, "All we like sheep have gone astray. We have turned everyone to his own way." That verse of Scripture teaches us that we are sinful.

 

A. WE ALL HAVE OUR SINFUL TENDENCIES. WE ALL HAVE SINFUL NATURES.

 

The Bible says in James 4:1, "From whence come wars and fightings among you, come they not of your lust which war against your members." We all have those tendencies. We have that sinful tendency to want to dominate. We want to be in control. Therefore, everything becomes a power struggle to see if we are going to be able to dominate. What we watch on TV, how we spend our money, what we are going to do on the weekend, – it is our sinful tendency to want to dominate.

 

It is also our tendency to have our temper tantrums. Most of us have pretty good tempers and if we have been getting our way all through the years by pitching a temper tantrum, then we probably will approach it with the idea-why stop it now if I've been getting my way in all of these years.

 

Then there is the tendency sometimes to become abusive. We use our words as weapons to wound and to cut and to hurt one another. All of these are just illustrations of the fact that we are born with a sinful nature.

 

B. WE HAVE ALL TURNED TO OUR OWN WAY

 

Not only are we sinful, but that verse of Scripture says "we have turned to his own way." That means we want to have our way. Most of us are pretty good to get along with as long as things are going our way. I remember the old song, "Zippety Doo Da, Zippety day, my oh my, what a beautiful day. Everything is going my way." Old "Blue Eyes" (Frank Sinatra) used to sing, "I did it MY way." We are all selfish. We all want to have it our way.

 

John Gottman, who is at the University of Washington, has done intensive studies about communication in marriage. He has listed what he calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are four characteristics of communication which couples engage in which tend to be destructive and indeed can be the apocalypse in a marriage. I want you to pay close attention to these. These are ways of interacting with one another which wreck our attempt to communicate. If we will think about them carefully we will probably see ourselves in some of these.

 

NUMBER (1) IS CRITICISM.

 

This is about making a complaint but about criticism. This means that rather than attacking a problem, it is attacking our mate's personality or character with blame. I is saying “That's the way you always do it. You are just a dead beat, or you are lazy, or you are irresponsible. You never do anything right or you never finish anything you start. I can never depend on you.” On and on it can go. That's the first one – when criticism and put downs starts becoming a part of our marriage communication.

 

NUMBER (2) IS CONTEMPT.

 

Contempt is criticism with the intent to insult and abuse our partner. We do this with words. We lob insults into the heart of our mate. We use name – calling – wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, and some other unmentionables I will not use. Then there's hostile humor often in front of other people, body language, sneering, rolling the eyes, turning up the corners of the mouth in mockery. Just blatant contempt.

 

NUMBER (3) IS DEFENSIVENESS.

 

Defensiveness is an understandable reaction when we feel besieged and overcome with negative emotions. We feel flooded. It immediately puts us on the defensive. We feel like we've been unfairly attacked, we feel like we've been misunderstood, we feel like our mate has wronged us in the situation, and we are so overwhelmed by the criticism and the contempt that all we know to do is just respond with some kind of attempts to defend ourselves. We do it in several ways. We deny responsibility. We say, "I am not to blame for what has happened in this situation." On the other hand, we excuse ourselves, "I am a victim of circumstances beyond my control." One of the favorite methods is a cross complaint. That is, when our mate makes a complaint, we immediately respond with a complaint of our own, not even acknowledging and probably not even hearing too much, the complaint of our mate. It's kind of like a rubber ball. Every time our mate says something to we, you just bounce the ball back, but it's a little harder. We have a quick follow-up to everything they have to say.

 

NUMBER (4) IS STONEWALLING.

 

Men are better at this than women are. Stonewalling is just turning into a non-responsive stonewall. Don't say anything. Just shrug the shoulders and say, "No use talking to you, you're always right." Normally followed by walking out of the room. I said that men are probably more prone to do this than women because men have a tendency to feel flooded more than women do. They can't handle what they perceive to be an attack upon their personality quite as well as the women can. However, women can  be just as guilty of this as men.

 

These are all manifestations of our basic sinful nature. We are sinful. We are selfish and we get ourselves into these negative responses. Therefore, we have to understand that we all have some sinful tendencies.

 

1. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND SINFUL TENDENCIES.

 

2. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND PSYCHOLOGICAL TECHNIQUES.

 

There are some techniques that will improve the communication between us and our mate. You may say, "Preacher, I don't believe in psychology." Well yes you do believe in psychology! The fact of the matter is all of us use psychology to some extent. We do not agree with everything that psychology has to say. Psychology is best understood when it is placed in a Christian context. However, there are some basic psychological principles that are true, whether a Christian or a non-Christian gives those principles to us.

 

There are some very simple ways to improve our psychological technique.

A. TUNE IN.

 

(1) – WE NEED TO LEARN TO LISTEN.

 

I ran across an article where someone did a study at the Indiana University and they now have scientific support for what wives have felt all along. Men only listen with half their brains. They did some tests and there was increased blood flow in the left temporal lobes of the men's brain. In the women, both temporal lobes showed activity. Therefore, men really do listen with half their brains. Whereas most women listen with the left and right temporal lobes of their brain. One of the researches said, "I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. The most important thing we ever give each other is our attention." We need to learn to listen. We are told, the average couple talks together about 37 minutes a day. There are 168 hours in a week and if you multiply 37 minutes a day by 7 days that is only 8 hours and 38 minutes a week. As a grand total that may sound like a lot but when you break it down by the day and minus the sleep and working times, that is very little communication between the husband and wife. We need to learn to listen. Men are normally the main culprit in this area.

 

(1) – WE NEED TO LEARN TO LISTEN.

 

(2) – WE NEED TO LEARN TO TALK.

 

I also found some statistics that show that women talk twice as much as men. We knew that all along, guys. Men kind of want to be the strong silent type. “Me Tarzan-you Jane” mentality. The average man doesn’t normally want to talk as much as most women.

 

 A girl said to her husband, "You don't ever tell me you love me anymore." He said, "When I married you, I told you I loved you, if I ever change my mind, you'll be the first one to know." Hey guys, that is not good. That is not real smart. We need to learn to listen and we need to talk and get into our mate's world.

 

–  WATCH WHAT WE SAY –

We need to learn to talk and pay close attention to what we are saying at all times. People put different meanings to words. We may mean one thing by what we say. Our mate may hear a totally different thing.

 

I heard about a young couple one night sitting out on the porch. She heard the choir rehearsing at the church down the street. At the same time He heard the crickets chirping. She said, "Isn't that beautiful?" He said, "Oh, yes, they tell me they do that by rubbing their hind legs together." If we are not very careful we will misunderstand. We need to watch what we say.

 

– WATCH HOW WE SAY IT –

Our tone of voice can start a fuss. Let me give you an example. We can come home and say, "What did you DO today?" or we can come home and say, "What did YOU do today?"  Watch how we say it.

 

 – WATCH WHEN WE SAY IT –

There are some bad times to talk for most people. When we first get up in the morning may not be the very best time to talk. When we sit down at meals may not be the time to bring up monumental problems. We need to watch what we say, watch how we say it, and then watch when we say it.

 

– WATCH WHY WE SAY IT -

What is our motive? Why are we saying what we are saying? Are we doing it to help the situation? On the other hand, are we doing it to hurt? Are we doing it to try to rectify a wrong we may have committed? On the other hand, are we doing it to do damage to the personality of our mate? The Bible says in Ephesians 4:29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth."

 

There are some very simple ways to improve our psychological technique.

A. TUNE IN.

 

B. COOL DOWN.

 

Men especially have need of this. When we feel flooded and our anger is building and we feel that heart rate going up, we need to make a conscious effort to cool the situation down, to calm down, and to take a deep breath. We normally go in one of two directions in this area. Number one, we either blow up (the Bible says "be angry and sin not…”); or number two, we clam up (the Bible says "…let not the sun go down upon your wrath”). Hostilities build up. Walls are formed and then it is hard to tear them down. Before long resentments begin to smolder.

 

A wife complained to her lawyer about her husband's nasty temper. She said, "He makes me a nervous wreck. I'm losing weight."  He said, "Why don't you just sue for divorce right now?"  She said, "Well, let's wait until I lose 10 more pounds."

 

When our mate is angry, we need to check it out. We need to ask ourselves the question – are they really mad at me or are they mad at something else? Men, embrace her anger. Try not to avoid it; don't try to side-step it. Say to yourself, "This is not important to me, but obviously it's important to her, so because it's important to her, I'm going to hear her out." Women, confront your husband gently. Otherwise he's going to feel overwhelmed with the situation and he is likely to withdraw. Tell him you're not attacking him. Tell him you love him. Then both of you accept one another. Cool down.

 

There are some very simple ways to improve our psychological technique.

A. TUNE IN.

 

B. COOL DOWN.

 

C. SWEETEN UP.

 

We must respond to our mate with acceptance, not rejection. With rejection, we attack, we disdain, we correct. With acceptance, we reflect. You say to your mate, "It sounds to me like you feel..." Alternatively, clarify. "Sugar, are you saying…?" Explore. "Darling, I'm not sure what you mean."  Extend. "Do you really feel...?" 

 

Don't dwell on the past. If we aren't very careful we will start "kitchen-sinking." We will start dragging up all of the dregs, all of the negative emotions, and all of the mistakes that our mate has made in the past. This is another good reason to keep ourselves pure before marriage. If we don't, probably the first thing that will come up when we have an argument is that very issue.

 

By the way, if we did not keep yourselves pure before Marriage – it takes two to tango and we cannot go on and on blaming our mate for something we yourselves were also involved in. Learn to forgive, learn to accept God's grace, and learn to burn the past. 

 

1. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND SINFUL TENDENCIES.

 

2. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND PSYCHOLOGICAL TECHNIQUES.

 

3. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND SCRIPTURAL TEACHINGS

 

1^st Corinthians 13 as you know is the great love chapter in the Bible and it will be helpful to us as we learn better to communicate with our mate.

 

We read in verse 4, "Love suffers long and is kind."

A. THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF FORBEARANCE.

 

Forbearance is refraining from something, being patience, staying under self-control, keeping ourselves in restraint regardless of the circumstances, practicing tolerance and leniency, deliberately not doing or saying something when we could do or say it. Putting this principle into our marriage and into our communication is very important. It may take time to make this kind of adjustment and have a good marriage and learn to communicate. Nevertheless, put the principle of forbearance in that relationship and keep working at it.

 

We read in verse 5, "Love does not behave itself unseemly; love seeks not her own, love is not easily provoked, love thinks no evil." 

B. THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF FORGIVENESS.

 

We could paraphrase that to say. "Love doesn't keep records." Always put the principle of forgiveness into your marriage. God buries our sins, but too often we don't. God says that our sins have been buried in the depths of the sea. God doesn't fish them up, but too many of us go to the same old fishing hole and constantly bring up the failures of the past. Use forgiveness.

 

We read in verse 7, "Love bears all things, love believes all things, love hopes all things, love endures all things."

C. THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF FAITH AND HOPE.

 

We must put into our marriage the principle of faith and the principle of hope. Move from the idea of despair to the idea of hope. It important to believe that God can work out our problems. We have to be realistic. Sometimes we want to claim promises that God never made. God never promised that marriage would be easy. God has never promised all honey and no bee’s. God never promised that we would have an instant adjustment in our marriage. Nevertheless, God has promised that He will help us with our problems. God has promised that there are solutions to all of our problems. It is so important for us to move from the language of despair to the language of hope.

 

We need to be honest in the terms with which we seem to feel most comfortable. Most of the time when we use the term "I can't" actually deep in our heart we know we should be saying "I won't." Instead of saying "I can't talk to my wife or husband" maybe we should really be saying, "I won't talk to my wife or husband." Instead of saying "I can't give up this affair" maybe we need to move to the language "I won't give up this affair." Instead of saying “I can’t forgive my wife or husband or wife” maybe we should be saying “I won’t forgive my wife or husband.” Then when we confront the fact that we are not willing to do what we know in your heart that we need to do, then there's some hope that God can step into the situation when we admit our own disobedience, sin, and failure.

 

In the Bible, when the Lord Jesus Christ was on trial, the priest tore his robes. That was specifically forbidden in the Bible. The Bible specifically forbade the priests from tearing his robe. The reason was because the tearing of the robe indicated failure, defeat, and despair. A priest was someone who went into the presence of God. When a priest went into the presence of God he was in the presence of the One who could solve every problem, the One who could meet every need. When we are in the presence of God, there is no room for despair. There is always room for hope. Sometimes couples tear their robes and we think we have failed, we have been defeated, and the easy solution is a divorce. Sometimes we tear the robes and think an affair is the solution. Sometimes because of materialism, financial problems, silly differences, misunderstandings, or even alcohol or drugs, and we tear our robes before God. However, if we are a born again child of God we are a priest and we have the opportunity to go into the very presence of God Himself. When we are in the presence of God there is always hope for us and there is always help and hope for our marriage.

 

Let's quickly revisit Rachel and Jacob in Genesis 30. They had just had a family argument. She had basically said, "You give me children or I don't want to live." Jacob has exploded and said, "Who do you think I am? Do you think I am God?" Then we read in verse 22, "And God remembered Rachel, and God harkened to her and opened her womb and she gave birth to a child." Rather than continuing to attack her husband, she took her need to the Lord. In the presence of the Lord, she laid before Him the burden of her marital need. The God of heaven, the God who answers prayer and the God who does miracles, did what no husband or no wife can ever do. He worked powerfully a miracle in her life.

 

 

If you haven’t already, I want to invite you to receive Jesus as your Savior.

 

DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?

To find more help in receiving Jesus Christ as your personal Savior please go to the Bible Study Title Page “ETERNAL LIFE.” Please send me an email and let me know about any decision for Christ you make so that I may pray for you. Feel free to send me any questions, comments, or responses you may have as well. For those who are already Christians I invite you to also please let me know of any decisions you make in your Christian life for Jesus. Please send me your questions, comments, or responses and let me know if the Bible Studies are helping you.

<rfdenning1951@gmail.com>

 

ALWAYS REMEMBER!

The support of your local Church ministry and the ministry of your Pastor should be the first priority of your Christian life and your service to the Lord. Be faithful to prayerfully prepare and attend Sunday School and Worship Service this Sunday and participate in worship as your Pastor preaches the Word. Do not forget to give the Lord at least your TITHE through your local church from your gross income – that is your first fruits. Any other other giving is an offering to a ministry unto the Lord. Honor the Lord in all you do and with all that you have. Always remember that everything you have and all you are belongs to the Lord. It is on loan to you – so manage it well! There will be an audit one day! Make sure the Books Balance!

 

All Bible Studies Are Prepared by Pastor Frank Denning And May Be Be Used By Permission.