Helps for Daily Life 20

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BIBLE STUDY 2: HELPS FOR DAILY LIFE

 

A SERIES:    THERE IS HOPE

LESSON 20: Genesis 27:5-13   SOME MISCONCEPTIONS OF MARRIAGE

 

Genesis 27:5-13(KJV) ⁵And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it. ⁶And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying, ⁷Bring me venison, and make me savory meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death. ⁸Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee. ⁹Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savory meat for thy father, such as he loveth: ¹⁰And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death. ¹¹And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man: ¹²My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.  ¹³And his mother said unto him, upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them. 

 

INTRODUCTION

 

My purpose is just to expose some practical, down-to-earth, encouraging teachings about marriage and about love. Some in this study are not married, but would like to be. Some in this study are married and maybe you would not like to be. Some in this study have been married but for one reason or another now your mate is gone. Whichever way it goes, I hope this study will be an encouragement to you and you can use it to encourage others.

 

INTERPRETATION

 

In Genesis 27:5-13 we have a marriage scene and we notice the wording carefully states Esau, his son, Jacob, her son. In the reading of this Scripture, it is almost like we step back in a time machine. We go back many centuries to a scene in the Bible world. It is a familiar scene to those of us who read the Scriptures. It is a scene of the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah. If we were back in those Bible times, I'm sure that people would say to us, "Do you know about the perfect marriage between Isaac and Rebekah?” It seemed certainly to be a marriage made in heaven, didn't it? Isaac was a believer. The Bible talks about the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He was rather a quiet man, a meditative man. In many ways he seemed to have been an easygoing man.

 

Rebekah on the other hand is an amazing young lady. She was willing to go a land where she had never been and marry a man she had never seen. It was really kind of one of those "love at first sight" situations. Therefore, they got married and it was the perfect marriage. It was the marriage made in heaven. For a period of time they didn't have any children and Rebekah desperately wanted children. Therefore, Isaac went to God in prayer and asked God for a child. Like the Lord so often does, the Lord gave double. Instead of one, God gave twins – a double blessing. A perfect marriage – a marriage made in heaven.

 

Now, just fast-forward just a few short years in the marriage. Isaac and Rebekah are using their twin boys as pawns, desperately trying to out-maneuver one another. You have open hostility and friction in their marriage, so the misconception of the perfect marriage has blown up in their face.

 

It's not hard to modernize that, is it? Let’s just say, here is a young man named Chuck who was the high school football star. He was the leader of his youth group at church. He had the looks of a Greek God. He was voted most likely to succeed. Here is a young lady named Sue who was the captain of the cheerleaders. She had the face and form of a movie star. She was the soloist in the youth choir. They get together and it was a perfect marriage. Now, in just a few short years later the wedding punch has soured. Now, she has a baby and a lawyer. She's charging him with mental cruelty, physical assault, and infidelity. He doesn't contest the charges. As soon as the divorce is final, he marries her best friend. The myth of the perfect marriage.

 

EXPLANATION

 

You and I know that marriage is a battle-scarred zone in America. There are over one million divorces a year. We know that there are, who knows how many, marriages that really are in a cold war. The only things that are holding the marriage together are the assets and the children. One of the mates has already decided just as soon as he can figure out how to split up the assets and the children all get grown, he's checking out.

 

There are some monsters today that are attacking our marriages. Divorce, the material culture in which we live, modern sexual morays which have changed in an astounding way we know about all of those monsters. However, there are also some misconceptions of modern marriage. There are some popular misconceptions around today about this whole idea of marriage. A lot of people fall for those misconceptions. If we fall for those marriage misconceptions, we are going to find ourselves MYTHified, MYTHtaken, and MYTHrable! (Of course pun is intended.)

 

In this study I have a very practical purpose. In this study my purpose is to explode some of these misconceptions of marriage. If I can, I want to just explode some of these misconceptions and bring us back down to reality. I want us all to see that there is hope for our marriages today.

 

THERE IS THE "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" MISCONCEPTION.

 

It seems that today we have bought the Hollywood picture of marriage. A whirlwind romance that disregards sexual guidelines and standards. The couple gets married; they get on a love boat, and sail away to the island of marital bliss with never a ripple. Everything is fine. If that is true it is obvious that there are thousands of couples in America that have missed the boat.

 

More commonly it is this kind of scenario. Shortly after the wedding, she has a temper tantrum and throws a plate at him. He heads for the neighborhood bar. On the other hand, he may come home with an expensive set of golf clubs that he paid for with money they were saving for vacation. Therefore, she rushes out to get a dress she doesn't need and pays for with a credit card that's already overextended. Now, that is closer to the reality these days.

 

There are 3 basic truths about marriage.

TRUTH #1: MARRIAGE IS A LOT LIKE LIFE.

 

Marriage has its periods of happiness, but it also has its periods of frustration and misery. No life is just the same all the time. Life has its ups and downs. The same thing is true about the whole area of marriage.

 

Before the wedding is what we call the period of enchantment. After the wedding is what we call the period of disenchantment. You do know the difference between a wedding and marriage, don't you? A wedding is an event. A marriage is an experience. It is a process. Happiness is dependent upon certain needs being met. We have certain basic needs and if those needs are met, then we are normally fairly happy. If those needs are not met, then we are not happy.

 

There are many of those needs I could mention in this study, but I am going to limit myself to about three of them of which I want to lay on your heart to think about. There are 3 basic needs all of us have in life and marriage. (1) We have the need to be loved. We need to know that someone loves us. We like to feel that the person we married loves us more than any other. (2) We have the need for respect. We like to feel like we are being respected and that our mate feels positive toward us and has respect and an admiration for us. (3) We have the need for security. This is especially important to the wives. She needs to feel that she is secure and that this man can take care of her and that he can provide for the necessities of life. Therefore, we are happy on the basis of certain needs that are met. If these needs are met, we're happy. If they're not, then we're not as happy as we would like to be.

 

TRUTH #2. NO MATE IS ABLE TO COMPLETELY MEET ALL OF THOSE NEEDS IN OUR LIFE.

 

Without doubt, he should and she should, to some degree meet these basic needs of our life, but we cannot expect our mates to do all of this. That's why when people come into marriage they come in with certain expectations, certain things they expect to be fulfilled. Unfortunately, most of us approach marriage from the viewpoint of what can I get out of this marriage? Not what can I give to the marriage, but what am I going to get out of this marriage? I have often said that the average couple approaches marriage like a tick on a dog. A tick is on a dog for what it gets out of it. However, unfortunately, in marriage, you have two ticks and no dog. So we come into marriage with the idea of what's my mate going to do for me? Not what am I going to get out of my mate?

 

TRUTH #3. THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MEET THE BASIC NEEDS OF OUR LIFE IS THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

 

I don't care how perfect we may think our mate is, I don't care how fulfilled we may feel we are in our marriage, ultimately those deep basic needs of our life can only be completely met in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ. He's the one who loves us perfectly. He's the one who gives us basic self-respect and self-worth. He's the one who gives us ultimate security.

 

In Philippians 4:4 is a Scripture verse that will explode the misconception of "happily ever after." "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice." Happiness depends upon what happens. However, joy is something different altogether. In just a few years many of our young people are going to be ready to get married and I hope this truth will get out to them as well before they get there. "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice." Rejoice in our mate? No. We will get our ultimate happiness and our ultimate joy not from our mate, but from the Lord Jesus Christ.

 

THERE IS THE "MARRIAGE IS A COMPUTER" MISCONCEPTION.

 

Please think with me and follow me through on this. This is the misconception that marriage is just like a computer. That there are some principles and some basic guidelines to follow that can be found on the computer, then everything will work out right in our marriage.

 

There is more information and more research available today about the subject of marriage than there ever has been. I'm glad there is. There is just all kinds of information out here now on marriage. Every day in the paper you will read an article about marriage. We can pull it up on the internet and we can see articles about marriage and how to make your marriage work. When Susan and I married, I was so dumb, if there was a book about marriage, I was too dumb to even find it. I didn't have a clue what marriage was all about. I regret that. If there had been more information on marriage I could have been a better husband. I could have been a better father than I have been. I am glad there is information. However, I must sound the warning that a lot of the newspaper articles and a lot of the books on the market today and a lot of the things we pick up on the internet or a lot of the stuff we see on television shows is godless in nature. Psalm 1:1 says to us that we are “not to walk in the counsel of the ungodly.”

 

Therefore, it is extremely dangerous if we accept everything we read about marriage in the paper or hear on a TV talk show or pull up on the internet. Don't walk in the counsel of the ungodly. To be perfectly honest with you, I would say to you, I am suspicious of the experts. You know what an expert is? An EX is a has-been. A SPURT is a little more than a drip.

I see these people who have a great weight loss program. The first thing I want to check out on these people is to see if they are overweight. When I see these books on how to raise and discipline children I want to know how their children are doing today, now that they are out of the home and in society.

 

There's a man named Dr. John Gottman who is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington. As result of the testing that he is able to do and the personality testing and all of that, he says that he is able to predict with about 91% accuracy the marriages that are going to make it or not going to make it. I want to read a quotation from him which I think we need to understand. Dr. Gottman says this. "Marriage is a very complex relationship. There is no single test that can predict its survival or disillusion with 100% accuracy." That's from an expert.

 

There is a trend in Christian literature about marriage that also concerns me. There's a lot of material out there on Christian marriage. I'm glad there is. However, there's a trend in some Christian material that bothers me. It is the idea that there are simple solutions to marriage. Friends if we go to the Bible, the greatest counseling book ever written, and if we go to the Lord Jesus, the greatest counselor of all, we cannot find simple solutions for a perfect marriage! However, there are those who advocate that you will find some simple steps on the computer, and if you will put them in correct order step (1), step (2), and step (3), then click the mouse, presto! Out will come a perfect marriage.

 

That is based upon the assumption that there are simple solutions to marriage problems. I'm here to tell you that there are no simple answers to marriage problems. Now, we want there to be. That's the age we are living in. We want instant everything, don't we? We want instant potatoes, put it in the microwave, punch in the time, and boom! It comes out ready to eat. On the other hand, like a TV show, they can win a world war in 30 minutes. We want it to be like that. Resolve a problem in a simple solution, everything works. Even in a worship service, we want to learn what the Bible says and we want to grow in the Word of God but we want a one hour message and teaching along with all the singing and other STUFF and be out the door by 12:00! (20-30 minutes is the limit.)

 

Here's what happens too often. A Christian wife is having some conflict in her marriage so she gets a Christian book on marriage. This Christian books says if you'll do this and do this and do this, then he'll do that. That's what she does. Step number 1. Then she does step number 2. Then the book says to do this. Therefore, she does this. Then she clicks her mouse. She does, but he doesn't. Then she gets all confused and disillusioned and all upset because it didn't work.

 

We and our mate are not programs in a computer. Marriage is a complex relationship. There are no simple solutions to marriage. When a couple gets married they buy a complex personality to that relationship and there's no simple formula to take those two kinds of personalities and put them all together and have perfect harmony immediately. In fact, we bring all of the emotional baggage of our previous family into that marriage – all of it. I like to put it this way. (On your wedding night, six people get into the wedding bed. You, your mama, your daddy, your mate, their mama, their daddy. Six of you in that marriage bed. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm getting awake. You wake up with me!)

 

I'm trying to say that there are no simple solutions because we are not a program in a computer. Our mate is not a program in a computer and there is no one Study, no five or six Studies, that I can produce in a series like this that will answer all of the problems of marriage. It's more complicated than that. We are all individual people and we are all unique and no two marriages are the same.

 

I'm going to give you the best of what I have learned and the best of what I have learned over the past 44 years of the mistakes I have made, and hopefully, some things I have done right. However, I can promise you there is no silver bullet.

 

First Peter 3:7 should help us explode the misconception that marriage is like a computer. "Likewise ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered." I find it interesting that it puts the responsibility on the husband. We are not a program in a computer. We are heirs together of the grace of life and we are to learn to dwell with our mate according to knowledge. That suggests an on-going, growing relationship.

 

THERE IS THE "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT" MISCONCEPTION.

 

That's a popular one. We like that one, don't we? Sometimes it happens. After I returned home from from Army basic training I went to Sunday School in my home church. This beautiful blond young lady was sitting in my Sunday School classroom. I had never seen such a gorgeous girl in all of my life. She was sitting right there in front of me filling out the Sunday School Attendance Roll. I have no idea if the teacher said anything or not. I could hardly take my eyes off of her and I definitely couldn’t get my mind off of her. It was love at first sight. We like that. We all like to think that's the way it will work. Some young girls daydream about this. They think, "One evening I'll walk into a room and there he will be. It will just be love at first sight. Sparks will fly." Then the music will start playing, "Some Enchanted evening, they will see a stranger across a crowded room." That's the love at first sight misconception.

 

The truth of the matter is that 99% of the time, it's not love at first sight; it’s attraction at first sight. Like Samson when he saw Delilah. He said to his parents and this is a literal rendering of what he said, "Get her for me. She looks good to me."

 

The love at first sight misconception is based on two false assumptions.

1. THE PHYSICAL IS THE ONLY ASPECT OF MARRIAGE THAT REALLY MATTERS.

 

Now, the physical does matter. I have never had anybody to say to me, "I want you to meet my ugly wife." I have never had it happen. I have never seen an ugly bride. I've seen one or two who just barely made it. The physical is important.

 

You heard about the old boy who got married and He said to the preacher, "How much do I owe you?" The Preacher said, "Well, just whatever you think she's worth." Therefore, the old boy pulled up the veil and looked and gave the preacher two quarters. The preacher lifted up the veil looked, and gave him back a quarter in change.

 

There was another old boy who married this girl because she had a gorgeous singing voice. She wasn't a lot to look at, but she could really sing. The morning after their honeymoon he looked over and said, "Sing, Martha. My goodness, sing, sing, sing."

 

I'm not denying that the physical is important. However, if that is the only basis upon which we marry, we have forgotten the fact that we are really three-fold. We have a physical nature; we have an emotional nature, and we have a spiritual nature. If all we have in a marriage is physical compatibility, then there's something basically missing. Some of us may be aware of the fact that something is missing in our marriage and we may not be exactly sure what it is. It may be that what is missing in our marriage is the spiritual relationship. It may be that we have achieved a physical oneness in a sexual union, and we are working on emotional oneness in learning to adapt and getting accustomed to one another. However, what we really lack is that spiritual relationship because we do not know Christ as our personal Savior. Therefore, marriage than merely the physical.

 

2. LOVE IS A FEELING.

 

That's why people say, "I don't love her anymore." "I don't have any feeling for him anymore." They have the idea that love is a feeling. Love is not a feeling. Feeling does not produce love. There are a lot of times in marriage we don't have a whole lot of feeling. When a wife is washing dirty socks and underwear she may not have an overwhelming feeling of love. When we are battling the traffic and trying to get home to get the kids ready to take them to ball practice and all of that, we may not have an overwhelming feeling of love. Feeling does not produce love, but love can produce feeling.

 

Revelation 2:4-5 can help us explode the misconception of love is a feeling. The Lord showed me this verse several years ago and it's been a real blessing in the whole matter of trying to help people with their marriages. I know it's in the context of the church, but we can apply it to marriage. "Nevertheless, I have somewhat against thee because thou hast left thy first love. Remember from which you are fallen, repent, and do the first work."

 

Notice Jesus didn't say you lose your first love. Jesus said you leave your first love. Love is a commitment. Love is a decision. I am committed to love Susan. I have decided to love Susan. Therefore, it is not just a feeling. That's not what it is all about. It is a conscious decision you have made that you are going to spend your marriage learning and choosing to love your mate.

 

THERE IS THE "PERFECT MATE" MISCONCEPTION.

 

We think we marry "Mr. Wonderful." We think she is your "Sleeping Beauty."

 

There was a girl who went before the judge and wanted to get married. She wanted to break the law there that said you had to have a waiting period. She said, "I've just met him, but he's the most wonderful fellow I have ever met." The judge relieved the rule and let them get married. Three short weeks later she was back requesting divorce. He said, "What about this guy who was supposed to be so wonderful?" She said, "Judge, he was the most over introduced man I have ever met." A lot of people are like that. Mr. Wonderful. He's the perfect mate. She's the perfect mate.

 

One old boy said to his wife, "You must think I'm a perfect idiot." She said, "No, I wouldn't say anybody's perfect."

 

All of us have our flaws, our faults, and our failures. There's not a place in the world that shows our faults and failures any better than in marriage. If we want to see the raw side of a person, we see them in their marriage. Other places we have to be different. On the job we have to be kind and good-natured to the customers. We have to behave and be respectful to our boss. In social relationships there are basic conventionalities that we have to observe. However, when we go home, we transform into the clod we really are. We are what we are, the way we act, at home.

 

Marriage is kind of like a surprise package. We get the package at marriage, we open it up, and we may be surprised what we get. For instance, we didn't know when we married her that she bit her toenails in bed. We didn't know when we married him that he snores in 7 languages. We didn't know when we married her that she eats her soup through a straw. We didn't know when we married him that he eats onion sandwiches with whip cream on them. It's a surprise a day. It's like buying a CD. You buy the CD for the song you want, but the rest of the music comes with it. There is no perfect mate. We want to change them. We try to work it out and make them like we want to make them. We tend to marry opposites and then try to change the very thing that attracted us to the individual and it never works. Only God can change a person. We can't change a person.

 

APPLICATION

 

I want to reveal three truths about our mate and ourselves out of Isaiah 53:6. "All we like sheep have gone astray." That says about us and our mate that we are both sinners. We married a sinner. Our mate married a sinner. Then it says, "We have turned everyone to his own way." That means we are all selfish. We are selfish and our mate is selfish. Then it says, "And the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." That says we are so special that Jesus died on the cross for us. It says that our mate is so special that Jesus died on the cross for our mate.

 

In the course of a marriage we learn to pray, we learn to accept, and we learn to forgive. Then if God wants them to be changed, only God can change them.

 

 

If you haven’t already, I want to invite you to receive Jesus as your Savior.

 

DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?

To find more help in receiving Jesus Christ as your personal Savior please go to the Bible Study Title Page “ETERNAL LIFE.” Please send me an email and let me know about any decision for Christ you make so that I may pray for you. Feel free to send me any questions, comments, or responses you may have as well. For those who are already Christians I invite you to also please let me know of any decisions you make in your Christian life for Jesus. Please send me your questions, comments, or responses and let me know if the Bible Studies are helping you.

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ALWAYS REMEMBER!

The support of your local Church ministry and the ministry of your Pastor should be the first priority of your Christian life and your service to the Lord. Be faithful to prayerfully prepare and attend Sunday School and Worship Service this Sunday and participate in worship as your Pastor preaches the Word. Do not forget to give the Lord at least your TITHE through your local church from your gross income – that is your first fruits. Any other other giving is an offering to a ministry unto the Lord. Honor the Lord in all you do and with all that you have. Always remember that everything you have and all you are belongs to the Lord. It is on loan to you – so manage it well! There will be an audit one day! Make sure the Books Balance!

 

All Bible Studies Are Prepared by Pastor Frank Denning And May Be Be Used By Permission.